The Multiple-Choice Book Review
Amazon.com have added a system of drop-down menus for reviewers to use. This will be very handy for all those people who have read a book and gone to Amazon with the express intention of leaving a review, only to find themselves unable to think of any words.
There’s a summary here along with a useful graphic of the various menus:
I’m pretty sure it could use a few more options. (You know, like how there may be other metrics to judge plot than ‘surprise!’, and how we distinguish that simple topic ‘writing’ in a slightly more nuanced way than okay vs good.) So, all-round helpful person that I am, I’ve come up with a few other drop-down menus Amazon could add, in order to bring us all to a real, close, yet fully multiple-choice understanding of every book ever written. I think this should cover it nicely.
What did this book make you feel?
- Joy
- Mild to severe discomfort
- Wistful yearning
- Sexual desire for a billionaire
- Seething hatred of one or more characters / the author
- Anomie
- Weltzschmertz
Why do you think the author wrote this book?
- To bring joy to humanity
- Over-confidence
- Couldn’t afford therapy
- Demonic possession
Does this book include krakens?
- No cephalopods, sea monsters or Lovecraftian beasts whatsoever
- Some tentacular activity
- HORROR IN THE DEEP
If this book was an animal what would it be?
- Cute puppy
- Fluffy kitten
- Dragonfly, fragile yet iridescent in its beauty
- Filthy lumbering hog
- Kraken
What is this book worth to you?
- Toenail clippings (discarded)
- 1-3 hours of my time
- Firstborn child
- Later-born but secretly preferred child
How will the author respond to a bad review, in your opinion?
- Obliviousness
- Unconvincing gratitude
- Flounce
- Social media meltdown (two or more platforms)
What book should the author have written instead?
- Her last one, over and over again, forever
- This one, but with a different hero and maybe a different plot
- One with pictures of cats
- A much shorter one
What is your favourite colour? [This question is compulsory.]
- Puce
- Taupe
- Madder
- Gamboge
I look forward to seeing these enhancements to the multiple-choice reviewing experience, and welcome further suggestions in the comments.
_________________________________
KJ Charles is
- a freelance editor
- a romance author
- inclined to sarcasm
- going on holiday
I’ll be back in mid April, see you then-ish. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And feel free to swoon at the cover for A Fashionable Indulgence! (Loveswept, August, since you ask.)
I sincerely hope you’ll wrote something with a kraken one day (one, because krakens are awesome, and two, because a chance of tentacles)!
ROFL!!! Brilliant. Just brilliant “D
Your added suggestions just might tempt me into reviewing (though I never actually buy ebooks from Amazon, unless ‘forced’)
Which beverage should readers consume while reading this book?
* Tea with lemon in a bone china cup and saucer.
* Coffee in a paper bucket from a chain coffee vendor.
* A nice Chianti.
* Hard liquour.
* The blood of your defeated enemy from his own hollowed out skull.
Yesssss. Or, perhaps, ‘what was the author drinking’…
Amazon should shut the whole review thing down, imho, but then they didn’t ask me, did they?
Have a great trip!
Your menu options are MUCH better than Amazon’s!
Reblogged this on 38 Caliber Reviews.
What is the level of the author’s grasp of the plausible?
* The hero shoots seven men hidiing in undergrowth, with a six-shooter pistol, from a galloping horse half a mile away, blindfold and left-handed since his right arm has been chewed off by a Kraken
* The baddies shoot a continuous rain of bullets across a courtyard, despite which the hero crosses it multiple times rescuing one damsel in distress per crossing. No-one gets shot.
* The hero shoots, desipite being ill, exhausted, and having shot half a dozen times in the last hour.
* The hero gets shot and lies bleeding out and losing consciousness, until the heroine weeps over him and declares her undying love, although she is to be wed to another. At which news the hero leaps up and carries her off into the sunset. His clothing smartens itself up for the final kiss.
* The hero, after defeating the Kraken and all other foes by the exercise of his superhuman strength, turns out to be seventeen and five foot two.
* The book has no hero – or any sympathetic character at all. It does have a Kraken, though.
Plausibility index! Love it.
Verklempt. Which should also be an option btw.
Ooooh, I didn’t know that one! /adds to list of German emotions/
Much, much better. Even though I had to Google some of the options.
Have a wonderful time in Japan!
I had to google gamboge. And I’m still not entirely sure I could pick taupe out of a line up, I can never remember if it’s brown or blue.
LOL. Love your wit.
BUT..Shh. Amazon might actually DO it.
There should be a “Grain of Salt” poll… Maybe something like:
Define your personal reading taste.
– I hate all books unless I am burning them
– I know exactly what authors should write and don’t mind telling them
– I pride myself on how many 1 star reviews I can write in a day
– Bookzz? Like they are suk dude. There a prize?
– I only read literature which includes the suffering of unlikable characters
– I like books that are well thought out, well written and in one of my top 5 favored genres
KJ, you made me laugh out loud (hard enough to spell it out).
Dear Mrs. KJ Charles,
This entry is ingenious. I laughed so hard I spilled chocolate milk on me. On the other hand, I am using the Repeated Words software (from your Writing Tips) to go through a manuscript of 107.000 words. It’s as effective as medieval torture. I guess it all balances out.
One of my friends gave me the suggestion ‘Hentai level tentacle activity’. Not sure this should go before or after HORROR IN THE DEEP. Not even sure it should be on the Kraken menu. 🙂
Ahem, we’re making Kraken jokes while you are in Japan, the motherland of all naughty cephalopods… Do you really need that kind of attention?
Haha, this is a brilliant post! I do read and write reviews on Amazon and use them to decide whether to buy a book. I really dislike that they now force me to say something about the plot before I can write the review. Your post made me laugh, and so did some of the comments with further options. Hilarious!
Thank you. I felt very silly, so I had fun.