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Punctuating Dialogue: The Wilder Shores

Last week I wrote about basic dialogue punctuation, and people wanted more, so here it is. If you aren’t up for XXXX Hot Ellipsis Action, bail out now.

In this post we’re going to do ellipses, em dashes, and the different impressions you can give of broken, hesitant, or simultaneous speech. Before we go any further, though, a reminder: Punctuation is not something handed down from on high. It is a convention by which writers attempt to convey the patterns of language—and language is spoken, not written. Punctuating dialogue is an exercise in making readers translate the marks on the page into dialogue that sounds the way you want in their head.

So don’t think, “I must make my dialogue punctuation correct according to CMOS*.” Think: “My punctuation must convey the way my characters are speaking.” And that has to be done within conventions (unless you’re Cormac McCarthy or whatever), because shared conventions are how writing works—but the aim, the goal, the point here is for you to represent your character’s cadences and meanings as accurately as possible.

*CMOS=Chicago Manual of Style, a collection of notes made by some people on how they thought American English should be written down. A style manual. Not to be confused with “an eternal and immutable universal truth”.

Break or trail?

An overview of basic em dash and ellipsis use and their different effects. I wrote on this subject in a previous blog post so I’m copying lots of it here to save my sanity.

… is an ellipsis (plural ellipses), and indicates hesitation or trailing off

— is an em dash and indicates a break or interruption

In the following string of examples, we are in a nightclub, where our heroine has just bumped into a lady with whom, she realises, she had a one-night stand some time ago.

Em dash

“Of course,” Jenny said. “You’re—”

“Natalie,” the other woman said quickly, eagerly, and Jenny felt her lips curve in response.

The dash here indicates Natalie shoving herself into Jenny’s speech, talking at the same time.

“Of course,” Jenny said. “You’re—”

“Natalie,” the other woman said over her, which was odd, because Jenny remembered very clearly that she had called herself Lizzie.

Here Natalie (OR IS SHE???) consciously interrupts to stop Jenny. We need the dash to show Jenny’s speech is broken.

“Of course,” Jenny said. “You’re—”

There was a massive explosion and the roof fell in.

Jenny is interrupted by an external factor.

Ellipsis

“Of course,” Jenny said. “You’re…” Shit, shit, shit. Was it Natasha? Nora? Anna?

“Natalie.” She didn’t look impressed.

A phonetic transcript might render this as “Yooouuu’re” as Jenny drags the word out in a pathetic attempt to pretend she hasn’t forgotten the name.

“Of course,” Jenny said. “You’re…” Her voice died in her throat. She’d dreamed of seeing this woman again so often, thought of everything she’d say, and now she was here, right in front of her, and Jenny couldn’t speak a word.

“Natalie.”

Jenny has Romance Heroine Speech Impediment. There is no cure..

Action within dialogue

You can use em dashes to work action into a speaker’s dialogue. People often get tripped by this, but once you grasp what the punctuation is doing it’s easy to tell which to go for.

Read the following. In both, Frederick is telling Edith he knows she shot Mabel. What’s happening differently?

Example 1

“This”—he held it out to her as he spoke—“is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

Example 2

“This—” he held it aloft then threw it onto the table with a clatter “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

 

 

*** pause for thought***

 

 

Example 1 is continuous speech. The action goes on simultaneously with the words. Therefore, the em dashes are outside the quotation marks because they are not part of the dialogue. In a playscript we’d represent it as:

FREDERICK:  This is the gun with which you shot Mabel. [He holds it out as he speaks]

Example 2 is interrupted speech, therefore the em dashes go within the quote marks to show a pause in the flow of speech. However, the action is part of a continuity of Frederick doing stuff (speaking or acting) so it’s all part of the same sentence. Thus there is no cap or full stop on the interpolation. In a playscript:

FREDERICK:  This [he throws it onto the table; she jumps] is the gun with which you shot Mabel.

You might think of it as “This is the gun with which you shot Mabel” vs “This! is the gun with which you shot Mabel” but we don’t punctuate like that outside Twitter.

Just ask yourself if the speech is continuous or interrupted and you’ll get this right.

A Digression: interpolations and point of view

If the interpolation is about someone who is not the speaker, you can risk confusing the reader. Be very wary. Here Frederick is speaking, but Edith is the subject of the interpolation.

“This—” she cried out as he pointed it at her “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

That seems fine in isolation, but let’s have a look how it works in text.

Edith POV

She wound her fingers together. Frederick’s face was set and angry. Could he know? Did he suspect?

Frederick turned, and she saw with disbelieving horror that he had a gun in his hand. “This—” she cried out as he pointed it at her “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

Frederick POV

He tried to hold back his loathing. He was going to destroy her for what she’d done to her own sister, his beloved, and it was all the better that she didn’t see it coming. He drew the gun from his pocket. “This—” she cried out as he pointed it at her “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

In Edith POV we could easily misattribute the dialogue to her. In Frederick POV, this risks looking like POV slippage. Frankly, I’d rewrite both, in the first example to clarify the dialogue attribution (probably ditching the break as overcomplicated), in the second to make Frederick the subject.

She wound her fingers together. Frederick’s face was set and angry. Could he know? Did he suspect?

Frederick turned, and she saw with disbelieving horror that he had a gun in his hand, that he was pointing it at her. She let out a hoarse shriek as he said, “This is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

Or

He tried to hold back his loathing. He was going to destroy her for what she’d done to her own sister, his beloved, and it was all the better that she didn’t see it coming. He drew the gun from his pocket. “This—” he pointed it at her and relished her shriek “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

It’s easily done, so keep an eye out.

Stopping and starting

After a break, you may go back to where you left off; or you may go into a new sentence. Punctuate the second part accordingly.

“I would tell you”—he shrugged—“but I’d have to kill you.”

“I would tell you, but…” He gave her a helpless look.  “Anyway, let’s talk about your mum.”

Equally, in interrupty dialogue, consider if the interruptions are new sentences or part of a single sentence (which may be shared between two speakers) and punctuate accordingly. Have a read of this and see how the different breaks work.

“The fact is—” Jim began.

“—you’re an alien,” Matt said over him. “We know, and—”

“We know and we don’t care!” Chloe interrupted. “We love you, Jim, only…”

She shot a desperate glance at Matt, who braced himself to say it. “Only, it’s the, uh, the…” he made waggly finger gestures “…tentacles.”

“But without the tentacles—”

“—which are kind of a big deal, if I’m honest—”

“—we wouldn’t even have noticed. Well, you know, the tentacles and the, uh… Well, we don’t need to talk about the smell.”

“The smell? But”—Jim was going red—“the smell is one of my best features.”

And, for your analytical pleasure, a breakdown. Kind of like the one this post is giving me.

speech analysis new

Note on ellipses: There is any amount of disagreement on punctuating ellipses. British use doesn’t put a full stop after an ellipsis that ends the sentence (on the grounds that the ellipsis is the punctuation), US does.

If you trail off with an ellipsis, and then have an interpolation, you can punctuate for a new sentence or for an extremely hesitant single sentence.

“Yes, but…” He made a face. “You’re wrong.” [Trails off, makes face, starts again]

“Yes, but…” he made a face “…you’re wrong.” [Trails off, makes face, trails back on again to complete sentence]

You don’t put ellipses outside the quote marks. See this wrongness:

X “Yes, but”…he opened his hands…”you’re wrong.”

It doesn’t work because punctuating dialogue like this, outside the quotes, shows us the action is simultaneous with the speech, and the dialogue itself is continuous (without the interpolation it reads “Yes but you’re wrong.”). There is no hesitation happening anywhere, therefore it makes no sense to use ellipses. Use em dashes or move the ellipses inside the quote marks, depending on whether you mean a break or a hesitation.

***

Is this all immensely complicated and making you sweat? Okay, look. The line of dialogue “You think I’m lying but I saw an alien” can be presented in the following ways, and this is not an exhaustive list. Exhausting, but not exhaustive.

“You think I’m lying but…I saw an alien.” [no space]

“You think I’m lying but— I saw an alien.” [space after em dash, new sentence]

“You think I’m lying but…” He trailed off, then made a face. “I saw an alien.”

“You think I’m lying but—” he thumped the table in frustration “—I saw an alien.”

“You think I’m lying but”—his eye was twitching violently now—“I saw an alien.”

“You think I’m lying.” He sounded exhausted, almost despairing. His voice dropped to a mumble. “But I saw an alien.”

“You think I’m lying,” he said bitterly, “but I saw an alien.”

“You think I’m lying,” he said bitterly. “But I saw an alien.”

All of those are grammatically correct. All of them have different implications as to the cadence, the pauses, the meaning of the speaker, the rhythm of the prose. (Exercise: go through that list and ask yourself what each one says about how the line is delivered—tiny pause, bigger pause, with simultaneous action, as two separate parts…)

Working with editors

One final note here, but an important one.

The author’s job is to be aware of what you want your dialogue to say, and pick the punctuation that supports it. If you aren’t sure you’ve done it right, ask your editor for help. The editor’s job is to ensure you’ve done what you want to do correctly within the conventions.

If the editor suggests changing ellipses to em dashes “because you use ‘interrupted’ as a verb, and this section appears to be broken speech”, that is helping you use punctuation to support your meaning. That’s her job. Equally, if the editor points out that you’ve broken two-thirds of your dialogue with dashes and asks you to consider varying your structure because it’s becoming really noticeable, she’s doing what she’s paid for.

If, on the other hand, edits come back with ellipses changed to em dashes “because that’s house style” or “because CMOS says…” (rather than “because this is an interruption, not a hesitation”), that is not okay. CMOS doesn’t know what you meant in that sentence; house style is unlikely to cover every possible nuance of punctuation. Maybe house style will reflect your meaning as well as or better than your original, but maybe it won’t. You need to check this, and be sure that your meaning is the editor’s no.1 priority. (I’d like to say “a good editor won’t do this to you”, but there are publishers who enforce an inflexible house style on editors who would rather not, as well as plenty of places who hire people with no damn experience.)

The only real defence against bad advice is for you to be confident in your knowledge. I stet the hell out of attempts to change my punctuation in ways with which I disagree, but I have a lot of experience and an, uh, uncompromising personality. The more you learn, and the more you equip yourself with the tools of the trade, the more able you’ll be to say, “No, I know what I meant, and that’s how I want to express it.”

(I have Opinions on any form of editing that prioritises the style guide over the author’s voice, intent, or meaning. Buy me a pint some day and I’ll tell you all about it. Meanwhile, see here for the very useful word stet.)

______________________

KJ Charles writes, edits, and probably puts too much thought into punctuation. Her next book is Wanted, a Gentleman, out in January, and don’t imagine for a second that comma was a casual choice. An Unseen Attraction, first in the new Victorian trilogy Sins of the Cities, follows in February, and before then there’s a short novella in a December horror collection. More on that soon!

 

21 replies
  1. Anastasia
    Anastasia says:

    Just like the previous post, this is an enourmous help, thank you!

    A question about em dashes: so, are there any other cases when it’s set off by spaces before and/or after an em dash? Other than your “You think I’m lying but— I saw an alien.” example. For instance, if I use it instead of commas for clarification. Like “The first time Matt saw Jim’s real form — with tentacles and everything — he didn’t faint only because Chloe was there too.” Do I need spaces before and after em dashes here or not?

    Reply
    • KJ Charles
      KJ Charles says:

      You only put a space by an em dash if you’re marking a new sentence. “But– Oh, I don’t know.” You don’t need to space it when offsetting as in your example.

      Reply
      • Anastasia
        Anastasia says:

        Thanks!
        Can you believe I thought ‘no spaces around em dashes’ was just a quirk of my ebook conversion tool for years? I only started suspecting something, like, a couple of years ago.

        Reply
        • KJ Charles
          KJ Charles says:

          Some people use spaced en dashes rather than em dashes, you may have been conflating perhaps! I would always rec em dashes, it makes life a lot easier.

          Reply
          • Jillian MacLeod
            Jillian MacLeod says:

            FYI, in print publishing they use a narrow space between words and em dashes, and this can even be done with ebooks (thinsp surrounded by an ampersand and a semi-colon, in standard HTML fashion). No space at all looks too squished to me, but a whole space doesn’t look right, either, so I definitely favor narrow spaces whenever possible.

            (To provide context: My background is in text layout and design for the print publishing industry in the U.S., from the late 1980s through the mid 2000s.)

          • http://www.accesspromocodes.us/jpmorgan-corporate-discounts.html
            http://www.accesspromocodes.us/jpmorgan-corporate-discounts.html says:

            你好,我运行./regenerate-makefiles.sh这一步后,显示的是Calling…Calling…Calling…You should now be able to configure and build:./configure –with-srilm=/path/to/srilmmake -j 4Calling 后面没有您那么多的输出,直接是…,这是不是表示没有成功?另外,MOSES的版本不同情况下,./rengenerate-makefiles.sh 并不是都能运行,我刚开始用最新版本2009-4-13,出现的问题是运行许可被拒绝,其他除了08-7-11版本外的,我也试了,也同样出现不能运行./rengenerate-makefiles.sh,是不是我的MOSES包有问题,非常期待您的回复~~~!![] 回复:十二月 2nd, 2009 at 22:01好久没有碰moses,都有点忘了。晚上我在ubuntu9.04里重新安装了一下,运行./regenerate-makefiles.sh后应该显示的是:Calling /usr/bin/aclocal…Calling /usr/bin/autoconf…Calling /usr/bin/automake…如果没有显示,估计是automakeå’Œautoconf没有安装的缘故。./rengenerate-makefiles.sh 被拒绝的缘故,肯定和moses没有关系,我今晚装的就是4.13版本的。你可以在运行脚本之前将其设置为可执行试一下:chmod 755 rengenerate-makefiles.sh[]

  2. Ireadandwrite
    Ireadandwrite says:

    Supremely helpful. Thank you! With just this post and the previous one as references, I see huge improvements in the way I punctuate dialogues.

    If I may, I have an unrelated question about starting a non-speech, incomplete sentence with a conjunction for emphasis.

    I’ve used an example from a very popular published book (character names have been changed). I personally love this construction and have used (but not overused) it in my w-i-p story, but my beta readers continually suggest connecting the sentences for grammatical reasons. I disagree, because it loses its punch. As an editor, what are your thoughts? Is this something I should stet? (learned that word from your post on the subject!)

    Example:

    Mordred let out a choked sound, his eyes shocked and wide. Because Arthur was not Kay. And Arthur’s stumble wasn’t a mistake, it was a feint.

    Reply
    • KJ Charles
      KJ Charles says:

      That’s a valid stylistic choice for me. There are people who would tell you not to begin a sentence with because, but I think if it’s conscious, and in a contemporary, fits the voice, not overused, it can work fine.

      Reply
  3. Tiuri
    Tiuri says:

    Excellent post, just like the previous one. Just out of curiosity, do you have an Opinion about the Oxford comma?

    Reply
    • KJ Charles
      KJ Charles says:

      Tbh I think they’re utterly unnecessary most of the time–all those carefully constructed strings of words that can be misread if you squint are funny, but in practice the reader doesn’t generally need spoonfeeding. However, I have trained myself to use them because US publishers insist so I don’t get an opinion. :/

      Reply
  4. JL Merrow
    JL Merrow says:

    I had NO IDEA re the innie/outie em-dash question. I just thought there was one right way and I kept getting it wrong!

    Why do we not get taught this stuff in school?

    Reply
  5. Marie Libosvar
    Marie Libosvar says:

    Thank you so much for this post! I’d always thought I had a decent grip on punctuation, but there are nuances here I’d never considered before. Really good to know!

    On an unrelated subject (I hope that’s OK), I’ve only recently discovered your blog and your Charm of Magpies series, and I LOVED Merrick and Crane’s descriptions of Shanghai in this period. I’d be really interested in reading more about it, but I’ve struggled to find books on the subject; would you be able to recommend any?

    Thank you!

    Reply
  6. Jolanta Benal
    Jolanta Benal says:

    “This—” she cried out as he pointed it at her “—is the gun with which you shot Mabel.”

    But but but no! I’ve been copyediting for three decades, and the middle bit should go so:

    She cried out as he pointed it at her.

    It’s a complete, free-standing sentence between two bits of broken-off dialogue.

    (Otherwise, I was fist-pumping and muttering YES YES YES throughout.)

    Reply
    • KJ Charles
      KJ Charles says:

      As author I disagree, because that would spoil the effect I had in mind. Putting it as a full sentence with caps and a full stop removes the immediacy in a dramatic moment, literally bringing it to a stop. So I would stet. But this is why it’s an art not a science, of course!

      Reply

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